After 25 years of marriage and some serious time as a volunteer counselor, I’ve learned what’s important in staying in marriage relationships long term. The biggest reason marriages hit a dead end is unrealistic expectations. There are so many fantasies surrounding the true meaning of love in the media that many modern couples simply are not dealing with reality. There are four areas that we must come into a realistic understanding of if we are to have meaningful lasting relationships. A realistic understanding brings realistic expectations. Life seems to go better when we live in the real world. Our marriages will have real staying power if we come to an understanding of the four realities of marriage.
1. Emotional Reality: Remember your first crush? Infatuation is a wild mix of hormones, youth, and romance that is magical. Young people refuse to believe this but older folks who have been through the seasons of marriage know it – chemistry is not love. We start out this way, but be aware, every marriage goes through seasons. People who discover chemistry with someone other than their spouse do a foolish thing to chase an emotional high. This “chemistry” is only temporary and fleeting.
There is a reason the preacher makes you swear an oath to God Almighty that you’ll stick with it through better or worse. Be assured, “worse” will come and “worse” will go. There is a springtime, summertime, fall, and a winter in the life of every marriage. Most have heard of the “seven year itch.” You won’t always feel like spring is in the air. Romance has to be worked at. You might have to go to the local music store and buy some Barry White music or decorate the bed with flashing Christmas lights like I once did. (You might be a redneck if………..) Every relationship goes through seasons where both parties would rather not be together. Believe this – If you keep working at improving your relationship, this will pass. My wife and I went through a period like this for a couple of years. Here is the reality …. relationships are hard work.
2. Financial Reality: Getting ahead in life is difficult. Marriage costs money. Two cannot live as cheap as one, I’ve done the math. While still single, I lived for months at a time in a tent and was contemplating paying cash for an old RV to live in while I saved the money to pay cash for a house. It seemed logical to me but not to my new fiance. You get hitched and have offspring. Kids are financial black holes no matter what their age. Have you priced Huggies lately? Education is expensive and poverty is more expensive. I have one in college and one in potty training. Schools charge a fee for everything and community sports programs are even worse. Then there are cell phones, Tae Kwon Do lessons, dancing lessons, music lessons, etc.
Keep life simple. Pay as you go. Don’t go into debt for anything except a house and then pay that off early by doubling up on payments. Marriage without spending money is like being a teenager without music. You’ll get cabin fever and you’ll need some spendable income to get away.
Rising gasoline prices and an unstable economy has impacted where families go for vacation and how long they stay. International oil supplies are very low and another gasoline price shock is probable. These are not times to get in debt.
3. Physical Reality: I hate to be the one to break this to you, but you’re getting older every day. Wrinkles come. Aches and pains show up. You gain weight and its harder as you age to lose it. If your relationship is built on outward appearances, you’ll be a lonely senior citizen. Your spouse is not always going to look as well maintained as they did on your wedding day. As you age your relationship develops an intimacy based on mutual trust and understanding and the outward is not nearly as important. Accept the physical reality that we live in aging bodies and get on with real life.
4. The Reality of Change: Change used to be measured in thousands of years, then hundreds, then by decades. Now change is happening every coulple of years in the realm of knowledge, science, etc. We live in a rapidly changing environment and face challenges that no other generation has faced. And so it is in relationships. Children, health issues, finances, and employment all bring huge lifestyle changes that impact our marriages and families. We can’t control what the whole world does, but we can control what we do, say, and think.
Blessed are the flexible. Stubbornness will destroy your marriage. Both partners must be willing to adapt to changes and work together as a team.
So, get a grip on reality. Decide to stay in for the long haul in your marriage. Settle this in your heart. You’ll be glad you did. – Jeff Burke
