My Hero

My wife Pam is my hero. She is the kind of person they make movies about after they’re gone. At age 20 she gave birth to our identical twin boys, Joey and Matt, who were born with Down Syndrome, a genetic disorder which results in several mental and physical disabilities. She gave the prime of her life making sure they had every chance to be all they could be. As a stay at home mom, her days were filled with physical, occupational, and speech therapy appointments and a variety of doctor appointments.

In time, she helped start a parent support group to help other parents who were going through the same agonizing process of raising handicapped children. She always had time to go to the hospital to meet with a new set of parents of a Down Syndrome child or take an out of state call from a new parent who had no support structure in their area. Soon, we would travel to our state capital to lobby the state legislature and get new resolutions passed that would form the foundation for new laws protecting the disabled.

At 18 months, Joey had an unusual accident. His little toe got twisted backward in his shoe and he kept saying “ow.” When we figured it out and took his shoe off, his toe had turned black. The doctor in the emergency room said that the toe would be fine, but he wanted to run some blood tests because of an odd rash and some bruising. We were asked some very probing questions about the bruises which irritated me, and I just wanted to get my family out of there. Pam insisted we let them run the test. The doctor came back and told us to drive directly to Shands Hospital in Gainesville to their emergency room and not to delay. Something in the blood was not right. After a few weeks in Shands, we learned that Joey had a rare form of leukemia, and was not expected to live. The next two and a half years were like a bad dream that you couldn’t escape. There were spinal taps, chemo-therapy, and many extended stays in the hospital. The hospital was an hour and a half away. Pam stayed with Joey during the days and I stayed all night. We passed each other every 12 hours as we changed shifts. Pam was vigilant during this time staying on top of Joey’s treatments and organizing his medications. At one point he almost died from pneumonia. Joey didn’t die and survived the intense treatment program. His doctors were brilliant and heroic.

There were also huge financial pressures that we had no idea how to handle. It would take nearly fifteen years to see resolution to some of the bad debt we incurred during this period. To this day, she still feels embarrassment and shame for bills that were out of our league and beyond our reach.

During this time, Matt, stayed mostly with Pam’s parents and started calling his Grandpa, “Dad.” Pam still found time to help others and help me hold our family together. She still made holidays special even though two of our Christmas Eves were spent in the hospital.

Toward the end of this ordeal, we had a pleasant surprise, our daughter, Kristin. Blond hair and blue eyes, we jokingly called her “our perfect child” because she would sleep all night from the very first night, and rarely cried or complained.

As Joey and Matt matured, Pam kept them in the mainstream as much as possible throughout their growing up. They played T-ball, soccer, and later in high school, were on the weight lifting team and the football team. They are 24 now, but their old coach still comes to visit them and takes them with him to games. They made a big impact on the entire school. All of this happened because Pam wouldn’t allow them to be classified as retarded and shoved back in a corner. Her advocacy for our sons literally revolutionized the way our school system deals with the disabled.

With all this responsibility and crisis in her life, Pam always had time to lead youth groups and mentor other teenagers. Our home was always filled with teenagers coming and going and it was Pam’s influence that kept them coming back. We jokingly called them our entourage because everywhere we went, even on family vacations, she had a following. Even today, when I take her on a date, I have to insistently say, “just you!”

Two years ago, we adopted a baby girl from China. Once again, I watch in amazement as Pam works through the special needs of an adopted child with our new daughter, Hannah. She has also just completed her Bachelor’s Degree and taken a social worker’s position with the State Of Florida. She is already making a big difference in the lives of the people that she comes in contact with in her new job.

Recently, Pam was awarded “Most Admired Woman” in Citrus County by the Altrusa Club. She is a very special person, my wife, and my hero.

Have Mercy On The Sports Gods

We have exalted the role of the sports star to the status of a god. And along with the status of a god we have added the moral responsibility of a god. I say let the perfect one cast the first stone. How many mere mortals can say they have achieved life-long perfection in any are of their life?

We even have higher qualifications for the god-like role of sports star that exceed the standards we set for the President Of The United States Of America, the most powerful man in the world. Isn’t it strange that we can have someone in the White House that is an ex-steroid user, but not to throw a ball in a sports stadium? After all, what would the children think?

It is O.K. in our cultural value system to have someone in the White House that is an ex-marijuana user, an alcoholic, a sex addict, or worse. And I’m not advocating that we take presidential candidates and hold every past sin and present weakness against them. I just find it odd that we have higher standards for professional sports figures than we do our head of state

I understand that all sports are built on rules. What would the NFL be if we suddenly dispensed of all the rules? The result would be total chaos and bloodshed. There must be rules regarding drug use, especially performance enhancing drugs that give a player an unfair advantage. But, to give them a life sentence for a first offense is more than silly.

Even Paul, the Apostle, who wrote much of the New Testament, came from a shady past. He spent his early years as a religious zealot murdering Christians and then later became one. In reality, he was a reformed mass murderer. He went on to become the greatest spokesperson for Christianity in the history of the world with the exception of Jesus himself. Some of the early slave ship captains in England became advocates of the slaves and helped to rid their nation of slavery.

There is a need for balance in this whole issue of sports and drugs. I watched with amazement as a well known sports hero was grilled for several days by congress while at the same time we had legislation expiring that was crucial to our national security in fighting terrorists. Not only that, but while congress was focused on their sports inquisition, millions of taxpayers are unemployed, losing their homes, and the entire nation is getting uncomfortably close to a financial collapse.

Let the sports organizations police their own. If they fail to do it, it will be at their own peril. Let’s take a lesson from baseball and give them at least three strikes before we give them a life sentence. And if a sports hero breaks a criminal law, here’s a newsflash, we already have a criminal justice system in place. We don’t have to convene a session of the U.S. Congress to deal with it, they’re busy enough lying to the public and  screwing up the job we sent them to Washington to do.

Immigration Confusion

There is not a more confused issue with more confused opinions than the immigration issue. Regardless of your political position as a conservative or liberal or your political party you would have to admit that chasing this issue is like chasing the wind. I would like to attempt to address the source of that confusion.

First and foremost, we as a nation, have sent out mixed signals. We have laws already on the books that we have chosen for economic and political reasons not to enforce. And we have sent out these mixed signals to our own citizens and the rest of the world for many, many years. We can’t rant against an illegal who walked through an open door at the unspoken encouragement of the U.S. government backing off of enforcement, and the business community welcoming low cost labor from foreign countries. I don’t blame the immigrants. They are just trying to survive in a difficult world and take whatever opportunities are in front of them. The laws and policies that shape the immigration arm of the government are an impossible maze of contradictions.

Secondly, there has been a leadership vacuum on this issue. Where leadership is lacking, opportunists will arise and exploit the situation. The confusion and the lack of leadership has created a situation that can be manipulated for selfish motives. And manipulated it has been. Because the issue is a potential time bomb, our leaders have avoided it like the plague. Even community and religious leaders have sidestepped any confrontations with immigration policy, not because they are evil people, only confused people.

Third, there is a lot of unspoken and masked prejudice surrounding this issue. We are much too sophisticated in this age of enlightenment to use outright racial slurs, but the strong emotions of prejudice are driving a lot of the energy surrounding this issue. Prejudice is easily exploited by both conservative and liberal politicians.

Fourth, are the unrealistic expectations we have placed on the foreign worker and the immigrant. Do we really expect someone who is doing basic farm or restaurant labor who barely knows English to sort out all of these issues when our brightest and best cannot come to a consensus? And now we are looking at them as villains because they are taking advantage of an opportunity to provide for their family and live in the greatest nation on earth?

Finally, we need a leader who will take up this issue and see it through to some type of logical end. Whether they be liberal, conservative, or whatever political party, we need clarity and consistency on this issue. We need to stop sending out a confused message and then getting angry at people who come across our border to better their lives. I think if we could put men on the moon a generation ago, we should be able to get enough intelligent people together to come up with something logical on the confusing issue of immigration.

Ten Warning Signs Of Bad Renters

My dad owned and managed seven rental houses. Some tenants were so trouble free that he forgot about the property. The retirees were the best tenants because they would do maintenance and improvements out of sheer boredom. Other tenants were pure trouble and cost him more than he made. One tenant in particular ended up moving in extra relatives into a 2 bedroom, 2 bath, 1 car garage home with about 800 square feet of living area. They idled away each day playing poker and smoking and by the time they moved, the ceilings over the poker table were chocolate brown with cigarette smoke and the house smelled so bad that we had to pull all the carpets out the front door and bleach the concrete slab. Walls had to be cleaned thoroughly and then painted.

What is a bad renter? A bad renter is someone who either doesn’t pay in a timely manner or does not take proper care of the property, or both. It’s not that hard to be a good renter, you simply pay the rent, cut the grass (if applicable), and don’t destroy the rental unit. A minimum level of normality is required to be a good renter. It’s not a difficult goal.

Here are the top 10 warning signs of potential bad renters:

1. They resist a credit check and refuse to give complete information on the application. While there are valid reasons for a low credit score, such as medical issues or losing a business, the act of trying to hide one could be an indication of deeper problems.

2. They don’t want to show you their present residence without an appointment. I heard of an owner/manager who would always follow the potential tenant home after a showing and do a spot inspection. If he didn’t like what he saw and smelled, they were ruled out. He never had a bad tenant after many years in the rental business.

3. They don’t want you to have communication with their former landlord. I wonder why?

4. They don’t have a checking account or they can’t come up with the security deposit. Either could be an indicator of deeper financial problems. If you mismanage your account too many times, they will not only close your account, you will be put on a list between bankers that will block a new account. If they can’t come up with payments in the beginning, there is more trouble to come.

5. They are living with a significant other who does not want to fill out paper work or be responsible for the rent. Can you say “outstanding warrant?”

6. They show up to look at your rental in a tee shirt with a marijuana plant on it. ‘Nuff said.

7. They cannot give a logical explanation of the source of their income. And, yes, it is your business if they are going to live in your unit.

8. They smell strongly of cigarettes, cigars, or animals. This is how your rental unit will smell a few weeks from now. Never believe the pitch about how clean their animal is. It might be true, but why risk it? I noticed something when I traveled with my mother and her dog. Only the dumpy motels and hotels allow dogs. The dog could be fine now, but with age could become ill and lose control of its bowel movements.

9. They drive a poorly maintained vehicle that is dripping oil. If they don’t take proper care for a high ticket item that they own, they won’t take care of yours. And, think about it, if the oil is dripping on your driveway, they are already destroying your property and they haven’t even moved in yet.

10. Your gut feeling. Sometimes the paperwork is fine and there is nothing you can put your finger on, but you have this feeling that something is not right. Every time I ignore that feeling, I later regret it. One manager of higher end rental houses I spoke with said a couple pulled up to his office in 2 Mercedes cars dressed in designer clothes and expensive jewelry. Something didn’t feel right. They rented a house, filled it with illegal drug shipments, left two Dobermans to guard the drugs, left automatic feeders and waterers, and left for weeks at a time with no way for the dogs to get out to relieve themselves. Needless to say, when they vacated the house, it was trashed.

By heeding these 10 warning signs you can greatly decrease or eliminate the risk of bad renters in your properties. Do the work on the front end and you will have a more positive and more profitable management experience.

How To Be A Friend

At first glance this title seems to be an explanation of the obvious. Surely full grown adults can figure out on their own how to master the ancient art of friendship, or can they? The longer I ride on spaceship earth and observe human behavior, the more amazed I am at the number of full grown adults who struggle with relationships of the most basic nature.

In our busy world, dysfunctional families are on the rise. Parents who never learned the art of relationships are raising children of their own. Unhealed emotional scars from past hurts cause many adults to be overly sensitive and easily hurt. Normal adult conversation, debate, and friendly banter can throw some of these walking wounded into an unexpected rage and others into seclusion.

Even among the well balanced and emotionally healthy, it seems that the whole issue of friendship can be rocky. Most people can count the number of real true friends on one hand. It seems that our society as a whole needs some friendship training. We need to go back to Relationships 101 and learn how to be a friend. Here are some things I’ve learned about friendship:

1. Don’t Analyze - Men especially try to analyze you and fix you. Be a good listener when your friend is in crisis. When you are hurting, you don’t need a sermon or a judge, you need an encourager. Ask yourself, “Is what I’m saying encouraging?”

2. Empathize – Put yourself in their place and circumstances. Don’t talk down to others. Consider your friends as more important than yourself. Walk beside them, not above them. Empathy differs from sympathy in that sympathy is feeling sorry for someone and empathy walks beside them and attempts to come into an understanding of how someone feels. Knowing that someone else understands and cares is priceless and rare in the world in which we live.

3. Don’t try to buy a friend – My observation with people who try to buy your friendship is that these are people who have craved real friends their whole life and have struggled with control issues in all their relationships. It is insulting for me when someone tries to buy me off. It sends a message to me that this person assumes that I’m superficial and incapable of caring. For someone to be so desperate as to try to buy a friend is very, very sad. If you do respond in the positive just to be their friend, it looks like you have the wrong motivation. In reality, someone who tries to buy friends pushes themselves even further from their goal of having true, caring friends.

4. Be low maintenance – Have realistic expectations for your friends. Don’t be demanding. Don’t be easily offended. Receive what your given in the area of time and attention and be thankful for that. High maintenance demanding people wear out everyone around them and drive away people who would become their friend.

5. Be a positive person – People with negative attitudes are toxic to friendships. No one likes to be around criticizers and complainers. Instead of looking for the faults of others and criticizing, try to find their good qualities and compliment them. Those who constantly grumble and complain are emotionally draining.

Being a positive person begins with positive thinking. You must discipline your thought life because your thoughts will eventually become words. Words will become actions which become habits. Habits become character and your character will become your destiny. The simple truth is this: positive people have friends and negative people don’t. A positive person will attract friends like a magnet.

6. Be friends with your spouse – Marriages cannot be built on chemistry or hormones. That special magical feeling you have as a newlywed will wear off and you will need a strong friendship to have a lasting meaningful marriage. If your friendship does not outlast your chemistry, your marriage will be a short one.

7. Let your friendship happen and grow naturally – You can’t rush a fine wine and you can’t rush a friendship. It must be allowed time to grow. Sometimes people grow together and then apart again. Don’t try to force anything or make the other person feel guilty. Friendships are what they are. Your friends will change through the seasons of life and some of your close friends will become distant friends and that’s okay. Friendships have seasons that will correspond with the constant ebb and flow of life.

Don’t compare yourself with other people that your friend has relationships with. Immaturity always asks the question, what about me? Your friend will relate to each personality in his social circle in a different unique way. Be thankful for what you get. Some people have no friends at all. A true friend is a priceless treasure.

Safe Investing In Domestic And Foreign Stocks

There are advantages in investing in foreign markets as opposed to domestic (U.S.) markets. Some of the largest returns are seen in nations like Brazil. But are these investments safe? I would venture that any developing country has less policing of their trading systems and company ethics than does the the U.S. With all our regulations and agencies, CEOs of large corporations being led off to prison on the nightly news is not an uncommon sight here in our own country. I’ve traveled in several countries in Latin America and I can tell you that bribery is so common in all levels of government and business that most locals don’t even call it crime. Another consideration is whether they have a stable government. In some emerging nations, government coups are the rule, rather than the exception. Do you really want to invest in a country where the guy with the most guns and muscle gets to be President? Then there are the billions in unpaid loans from foreign governments who we are trusting to give oversight to the companies and investments we are putting our money in.

The next logical question is this: Are there any safe ways to invest overseas? All investment involves risk. For the average household variety investor who is building a retirement portfolio, high risk exotic investments are not recommended. If you are going to invest overseas, an ETF or Exchange-traded fund may be the ticket. There are around 50 foreign ETFs that can help you to spread out your risk and take advantage of the high returns of the world stock markets. Some are country specific and some are regional. One such ETF is Brazil ETF (EWZ) kijmade up mostly of oil stocks. Another is United Kingdom ETF(EWU) which is primarily made up of financial service stocks.

Here are a few advantages to using a foreign or domestic ETF. First, they are on the domestic stock exchange. Secondly, they can be traded just like any other stock from an online or brokered account. And Thirdly, they simplify the complex (near impossible)task of choosing winning stocks at home or abroad.

On the domestic market, many investors believe that there are many undervalued stocks right now because of economic fear and uncertainty along with an election year. This is a great time to buy some blue chip stocks at bargain prices. Be aware that both domestic and foreign markets are risky right now. Domestic equity markets are, by nature, safer than foreign markets.

Choosing market bottoms for the domestic market can be complex. Use a seasoned broker or a trusted personal adviser who is savvy in investing. A solution to reduce risk for the domestic market is also the use of ETFs. Rather than take years to learn the commodity markets, one can invest in pork bellies, gold, or grain by choosing the appropriate ETF.

Opportunities abound in both the foreign and domestic stock markets. The foreign market has produced large returns for many a large fund group, but is not a game played well by the novice trader. With the domestic market’s large swings recently, many investors lured by potential high returns of overseas markets have come back home to the domestic market and taken advantage of the present fire sale on good stocks.

Save Money On Your Vacation

A traditional way that families have saved money on vacations is to visit relatives. The downside of that is that your host may take the initiative to plan your vacation schedule for you. The next thing you know they’re mad at you because you rebelled against the schedule. Then there are tensions and you don’t send Christmas cards to each other for the next five years, etc., etc.

There must be some better ways to economize on vacation expenses and still have fun. The most costly part of vacationing is the lodging cost. One way that families have pinched pennies on vacation expenses is to go camping. Rather than do an abbreviated description of many different ways to save money, I’ll go in depth on the subject of tent camping.

Tent camping is the most economical form of camping and a good family sized tent can be bought for $70 to $300. I’ve done a lot of tent camping and have actually spent entire summers in a tent when I was single. When choosing a tent style, you will notice that the most common style of tent is the dome tent.

I successfully used dome tents for many years until I was camping with a group of men on an island one night and the wind kicked up pretty strong. One of the guys had an old garden variety Sears cabin tent. When both of the fiberglass poles on my dome tent snapped in the middle of the night, all the guys in my dome tent piled in with the guys in the old ugly cabin tent. Did I mention it was raining? That night I slept a little closer to other guys than I’m naturally comfortable with. What happens on the island stays on the island. My next tent was a Sears cabin tent and I still have it after many years of happy camping.

Tents have to be re-waterproofed every few years. The 3M company has an excellent spray that is easy to apply and is available in most outdoor departments.

You can save money on your tent purchase by buying a slightly used one on Ebay. You’d be surprised how many people use a tent once and then never again. Garage sales and estate sales can also be good sources. There are web sites that specialize in selling new and used gear. One company that I have bought from for many years is Campmor. They have great sales and specials all year long.

There are many types of campgrounds to choose from. There are campgrounds with all the modern amenities like pools, electric, running water, and entertainment. One such campground is the one at Disney World and they have a special section for tents. There are some larger campgrounds outside of Disney that are more economical.

National and State campgrounds tend to be a little more woodsy. Some have electric and water. Others are called “primitive campsites,” meaning no conveniences except maybe an outhouse and a water outlet you can walk to. One of my favorite sites is a primitive site on the shore of a beautiful lake that costs just $4 per night. The road that leads there is unpaved for about 5 miles. The downside is that my wife went once and decided she didn’t like primitive camping.

Another type of tent camping that I’ve used is backpacking. You can get to places unaccessible by a car and unspoiled by humans. One of my most memorable vacations was a week-long backpacking trip in the Smoky Mountain National Park. Some pre-planning is required because you have to check in with the forest rangers and get a permit detailing where you will camp each night. My favorite campsite was next to a waterfall. When we washed our dinner plates in the stream, baby trout came up and nibbled at the scraps.

Tents used for backpacking should be in the weight range of 3-6 pounds. The trend is toward ultra-light equipment and less of it. The lighter your pack, the more you will enjoy your trip. Don’t economize on your initial investment of backpacking equipment. When you’re in back country your very survival may depend on your equipment’s quality.

Vacations don’t have to be expensive. Many have found tent camping a viable alternative to high cost lodging. Happy Camping!

Make Your Hotel Room A Second Home

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had some real disasters with choosing hotel rooms. My experiences have shaped my personal policies and habits in how I obtain lodging and what I do with it when I get it. You can make your hotel room a home away from home by following some simple guidelines that I have developed over the years:

1. PREVIEW – Always, always, ask to see the room before you pay for it. I do this for several reasons, the most important being smell. Sometimes smoking rooms are converted to non-smoking rooms but still smell like smoke. My wife has a nose like a bloodhound. Some hotels allow dogs and there could be fleas in the room. A room might be right next to a noisy elevator or a snack area. Cleanliness and quiet are necessities for a relaxed night’s sleep.

2. BEWARE OF DISCOUNTS – Once, while visiting the theater district in the big apple, we couldn’t believe what a good price we got on our room. When we got there, the room was very nice. We had reserved it by phone and didn’t get a chance to see it ahead of time. That night we became very aware of why our room was priced so reasonably….it was next door to the fire station. Sirens sounded all night long. On another trip we didn’t check out the room in advance, we found that the room had a broken air unit (in Florida during the summer). Amazingly, the hotel refused a refund.

3. PAY EXTRA FOR THE VIEW – A great view will make an ordinary room extraordinary. As in other types of real estate the three most important things are location, location, and location. Sometimes the rooms with a view are an extra cost, so plan that into your budget.

4. NEVER TRUST INTERNET PHOTOS – A couple of years ago we booked a huge condo in Gatlinburg for a special Thanksgiving gathering that included extended family members with a total of 16 people staying in our unit. My wife booked the reservation and prepaid it months in advance based on some beautiful internet photos. We arrived a day in advance of the other family members on a snowy night about 9:00 p.m. The room was a wreck. Holes in doors, walls, and carpeting. Furniture that was so cheap it was like sitting on wood. In short, it was dirty and rundown. Of course, there was no one in the office that late. By the next day my daughter and wife were in tears, I was furious, and the hotel management refused a refund. I refused to leave the property without a refund. The maintenance guy cussed me out and threatened to “whoop” me and as the cops were being called, the maintenance man chimed in, “ask for Shorty.” Shorty didn’t come, another officer did, and they took my side. A refund was made and I didn’t spend the holiday in the Gatlinburg jail. I was having flashbacks of Rambo. Then we found an awesome 3 story cabin with a view, a pool table, and a jacuzzi. It was so nice that I didn’t want to go home.

5. DON’T LEG THE BEDBUGS BITE – Once, while staying in a name brand hotel on the interstate, we got into a room that was teeming with bugs. As it turned out, it was ran by a family whose religious beliefs included reincarnation and they didn’t believe in spraying for bugs. I don’t know how we could have avoided the bugs. They came out in the dark after the lights were shut off and we felt things run across us.

6. UNPACK AND USE THE DRESSER AND HANGERS – Organizing your clothes in the dresser drawers and closet area will eliminate digging through suitcases and will reduce clutter.

7. ASK FOR A SMALL REFRIGERATOR – Get the optional refrigerator and stock it with food, snacks, and drinks.

8. STOCK UP ON GOOD READING MATERIAL – I like to relax by reading and good magazines and books help me to unwind. Your hobby might be crosswords, crafts, or any number of things. Bring your hobby with you to your temporary home.

Perhaps you can learn from our mistakes and successes and make your hotel room into a comfortable second home.

Grandma, Can I Have Your Recipe?

My wife has a full blooded Italian grandma. She is an awesome cook. The meals I’ve experienced in her 1960’s vintage single-wide trailer could have come from a chef at a five star restaurant. So all the younger gals in the family try to glean the recipe and she gives them one. When they try to use the cherished recipe from the pasta master, it never turns out the same. Here’s the secret from the female secret service in our extended family – Grandma never gives you the whole recipe. The truth is, the recipe is her claim to fame and competing females will never extract the complete recipe from Grandma. She’ll take her secrets to the grave and will be remembered as a legendary cook that none in the family will ever rival.

I’ve recently got the fever for blogging simply because I love to write. Then I became aware that some people make a good living with their blogs. Then I figured out that the site that I’m on (which I love the ease of use and all the cool features) doesn’t allow advertising. So, now I’m trying to figure out how to make money with a blog. I scour the internet. I read articles until I fall asleep at night. Articles on how to do this are abundant on the internet.

I’m a reasonably intelligent person. I can figure this out, or can I? I read all the recipes for internet stardom. I’ve joined a few other sites. I’m still not getting it. Then I remembered Grandma. Could it be that no one ever gives you the whole recipe and for their own ego’s sake leave out some of the key ingredients? I’m suspicious.

Admittedly, I’m a newbie to blogging. Being a newbie, I’m anxious. Now I’m tryng to figure out how to set up my own site because I read an article that said you have to have your own site. I’m not a techie. That side of my brain has restricted blood flow. I just want a good blog site that I can use my creative juices on and make some money at the same time. Did I mention that I’m between jobs and rolling pennies for gas? All I can say is, “Thank God for ebay.”

I realize that success in any arena takes time. I just don’t want to spend a lot of time only to find out that I should have done something else to begin with. If there are any blogging millionaires out there reading this, I beg you, “Can I have your recipe?” And please don’t leave anything out. – Jeff Burke

Reality In Marriage

After 25 years of marriage and some serious time as a volunteer counselor, I’ve learned what’s important in staying in marriage relationships long term. The biggest reason marriages hit a dead end is unrealistic expectations. There are so many fantasies surrounding the true meaning of love in the media that many modern couples simply are not dealing with reality. There are four areas that we must come into a realistic understanding of if we are to have meaningful lasting relationships. A realistic understanding brings realistic expectations. Life seems to go better when we live in the real world. Our marriages will have real staying power if we come to an understanding of the four realities of marriage.

1. Emotional Reality: Remember your first crush? Infatuation is a wild mix of hormones, youth, and romance that is magical. Young people refuse to believe this but older folks who have been through the seasons of marriage know it – chemistry is not love. We start out this way, but be aware, every marriage goes through seasons. People who discover chemistry with someone other than their spouse do a foolish thing to chase an emotional high. This “chemistry” is only temporary and fleeting.

There is a reason the preacher makes you swear an oath to God Almighty that you’ll stick with it through better or worse. Be assured, “worse” will come and “worse” will go. There is a springtime, summertime, fall, and a winter in the life of every marriage. Most have heard of the “seven year itch.” You won’t always feel like spring is in the air. Romance has to be worked at. You might have to go to the local music store and buy some Barry White music or decorate the bed with flashing Christmas lights like I once did. (You might be a redneck if………..) Every relationship goes through seasons where both parties would rather not be together. Believe this – If you keep working at improving your relationship, this will pass. My wife and I went through a period like this for a couple of years. Here is the reality …. relationships are hard work.

2. Financial Reality: Getting ahead in life is difficult. Marriage costs money. Two cannot live as cheap as one, I’ve done the math. While still single, I lived for months at a time in a tent and was contemplating paying cash for an old RV to live in while I saved the money to pay cash for a house. It seemed logical to me but not to my new fiance. You get hitched and have offspring. Kids are financial black holes no matter what their age. Have you priced Huggies lately? Education is expensive and poverty is more expensive. I have one in college and one in potty training. Schools charge a fee for everything and community sports programs are even worse. Then there are cell phones, Tae Kwon Do lessons, dancing lessons, music lessons, etc.

Keep life simple. Pay as you go. Don’t go into debt for anything except a house and then pay that off early by doubling up on payments. Marriage without spending money is like being a teenager without music. You’ll get cabin fever and you’ll need some spendable income to get away.

Rising gasoline prices and an unstable economy has impacted where families go for vacation and how long they stay. International oil supplies are very low and another gasoline price shock is probable. These are not times to get in debt.

3. Physical Reality: I hate to be the one to break this to you, but you’re getting older every day. Wrinkles come. Aches and pains show up. You gain weight and its harder as you age to lose it. If your relationship is built on outward appearances, you’ll be a lonely senior citizen. Your spouse is not always going to look as well maintained as they did on your wedding day. As you age your relationship develops an intimacy based on mutual trust and understanding and the outward is not nearly as important. Accept the physical reality that we live in aging bodies and get on with real life.

4. The Reality of Change: Change used to be measured in thousands of years, then hundreds, then by decades. Now change is happening every coulple of years in the realm of knowledge, science, etc. We live in a rapidly changing environment and face challenges that no other generation has faced. And so it is in relationships. Children, health issues, finances, and employment all bring huge lifestyle changes that impact our marriages and families. We can’t control what the whole world does, but we can control what we do, say, and think.

Blessed are the flexible. Stubbornness will destroy your marriage. Both partners must be willing to adapt to changes and work together as a team.

So, get a grip on reality. Decide to stay in for the long haul in your marriage. Settle this in your heart. You’ll be glad you did. – Jeff Burke